And beauty.

LOVE. 

hotels suck!

I HATE hotels. I hate not feeling relaxed. No matter what i do when im at a hotel, i never can actually RELAX. I miss brandon so much. He hasnt called me yet.. and its already 10.. i dont think I will get  a call. But im hoping. Moms already passed out. Im just sitting in this bed, laptop in hand [thank god for technology!] Texting everyone who will actually respond. And watching wilfred. Theres stuff i could do to keep me occupied. But im gonna save that for when I REALLY need to keep my mind off of the quietness and boringness of this room. Hotels are always the same. Ugly carpet. Oversized dresser holding a old ass tv. Little side table carrying the holy bible. Ancient telephone. Worlds most ugly and unappealing bed comforters that make you wonder if the people who designed them were blind.


Not matter how much i write in this blog, text people, call people, chat on fb. read. I fucking miss him so much dude. its not even funny.


i always feel my eyes watering up when i think about it too much.


bye.

I see this whole thing going down so fast..

That I'm not going to know what happened until its too late. Its just not going to work. I know what hes doing. And im starting to get the idea its coming from his mother. Who goes and lives with his girlfriends older sister who he barely know? He said its only going to be two months. I find that to be complete bullshit. Is it bad that I feel like hes trading me for a garage to put his car in? Yes. Do I feel like within a month its going to be complete and total bullshit and chaos that I flip shit and I call it quits? Yes.  Possibly a no? Am I completely hurt by this decision? Yes. Will I enjoy not having anyone to talk to on my late nights? No. Will I cry more? More than I think anyone will ever see or know about. Do I think about picking up everything and leaving everyone behind to be just a part of my past? Alot. Will my dad pick fights with me alot more once hes not here? Yes.


And the most important question:


Am I going to feel left behind, or alone to put me back in "that" state? More than Likely. But were going to try and not go that deep.

I feel like hes running from me. Whats next? Las Vegas? I want to think positive about everything. Like, well when we see each other we'll get all excited. But everytime I try to weigh my fucking positives against my negatives. Negatives always win.

-Like on those nights when his phones dead and he "didnt notice". The stress alone from these nights, will make me go into full on rage.

- He doesnt have enough gas to come over because hes paying rent or he bought this or that for his car.

- He doesnt feel like doing the drive.

- And here comes the best one. What happens when we NEVER do it anymore and he goes and finds it from someone else? Yes. Its possible. And some people may ask. Well why are you with him than.

I don't know what anyone can or will say to me. But Im going to be so bitter. Nights by myself. Which hasnt been that way in over 2 years. Days alone. No one to talk to or anything. I feel it in my bones starting to fire up. I refuse to get upset about this situation. Its not going to be "upset" its gonna skip upset. and go straight to fucking anger. And when that happens. Everyone needs to stay clear.

I just feel like its his way of walking away. Oh hey, im gonna up and leave you. And you dont have a car, so you cant try and follow me. I know everything I'm saying sounds crazy. But its the truth.

I dont understand why I always get this way. I  feel like its always targeted at me. Like hes trying to potentially hurt me. I feel like im being betrayed. And I'm freaking out man. And the worst part is, even when I feel like this. Im still nice to him. Even when hes being a jerk to me. I dont know. I think im just gonna pull that whole cover up thing. Like hang out with all my friends and never have time for him and make him realize what it feels like to feel forgotten.

Oh. wait.


one problem.

I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING FRIENDS.


I have "friends" but theres really no one I can really, really count on to always be there for me, or understand my situation.

There is no "going out" with friends. Im constantly accused of sleeping with all my friends from my father.

I always feel like crying when I think about how I dont have any friends anymore. But in reality. Everyone I use to think were my friends. really werent. They just all got along because we were always at the same parties.


I have the two nicoles, and thats it.

Between the both of them I tell them all everything. But theres always that piece missing. I think?

I dont know.


Fuck this.

Its one of those nights babe.

Someone save me.

Sunday's at Tiffiany's By James Patterson

This book is amazing. It truly was a book I just couldn't put down. Sunday's at Tiffiany's became my favorite book I've read so far in my life. And thats actually saying alot. I've read tons of books over the years that I just fell in love with. But this one, this one tops ALL of them. I really do recommend it to young adult readers, or just readers who have a sense of creative and don't mind a little make believe fairy tale type sense. This book is based on a little girl named Jane, who is 9 at the time. She has an imaginary friend, michael. Micheal must leave all his children once they turn 9. They will soon forget him. Well, Jane does not. she remembers him because she just does. Years later, when Jane is in her early 30's Micheal sees her again walking down the street. Long story short, Jane sees michael at the restaurant they always went to when she was a kid. She says hello and is amazed that she is seeing her imaginary friend in real life! Micheal is amazed that Jane remembers him. Thats never happened with any  of his assignments.. I want to keep going but I don't want to ruin it for anyone!


This book has so many twists, but isnt confusing. It really is a book I did not put down until 3 am last night, and thats because I was forced due to a grouchy brandon.

I found out today on the internet that they made this book into a movie on lifetime. DO NOT WATCH THE MOVIE! ITS HORRIBLE! In the book Micheal is in his 20s when hes janes friend. in the movie he is a child. The whole movie is completely fucking wrong! its horrible... i was so disappointed...

is it bad

that i NOW realize that being friends with Sarah through highschool fucked me over completely?



yeah.


its a HORRIBLE realization.

I havent written in awhile, because nothing ever happens thats worth writing about

Which... doesnt mean theres anything BIG im going to write about today. I've making lotsa money lately. Selling stuff on Ebay and listing stuff for my dad. I clean alot, not that you can ever fucking tell. Me and my mom are back on good terms. Its more like, dont ask dont tell? I guess? ANYWAYS!



I'm writing today, because well.. My best friend, my sister, and my mom didnt answer their phones. So. This is longer, but its still venting. Which, I guess its not really something any of you will understand. My best friends dads in the Marines, so she just doesnt see where I'm coming from whatsoever. My sister has dated a guy in the military so, we know she doesnt have the same strange, but forced rule I have. [ No offense Jess!] no, seriously. Dont take that wrong. haha. And my mother, well. She was last resort. Not gonna lie.



  So, here it is...

I go by this, wait. I LIVE by this rule. Since I can remember? I know at least for 5 years I've been saying it. I've told every past boyfriend this rule. And trust me, Brandon knows this "rule" I DO NOT, AND WILL NEVER DATE A GUY IN THE MILITARY. I just wont. Dont take me wrong, im all for supporting the troops, and bringing home the soldiers. I will never marry a guy who is in, nor wants to join the military. Don't care if its army, navy or air force. Not happening. Some people think its selfish of me. Well. its just like someone saying " I wont date a guy with blonde hair" or " I wont date a guy who eats meat" Its just something on the imaginary list every girl has of what there looking for. Shit, I'm getting side tracked.

So, ugh. long story short Hans, use to be my best friend. Turned into cocky, spoiled brat. Stopped being friends. [ he dropped brandon as a friend also! THIS IS A KEY POINT. Anyways, he joined the marines. [ he will never admit it, but he was so fucking spoiled that he hated working. literally, bitched for hours to his mom that he didnt feel like he needed to work. So, he found out, Government pays you to workout and fly on a plane for a few hours and then GO STAND IN A FUCKING DESERT TO GET SHOT AT AND PLAY DODGEBALL WITH BULLETS. Needless to say, he joined. Being deployed in December. well, the Marines and other military people do PT. PT is Physical Training. Voluntary, workouts to get you in shape. blah blah blah. You can bring friends too. [ They tell them this, so the recruiters can get out there with them, and drill the friends who havent join about joining!] Well, Hans found out that when you bring a friend in to let a recruiter lecture them for an hour he gets an extra 1000 dollars at the end of the year added to his big ole check! So, He drags Brandon in there! No problem. Brandon doesnt want to join. Then, He invites brandon to PT with him. No problem. Its working out with friends. [ Brandon got approached by recruiters there also.] Everything was fine. I was a little edgy because I don't want to lose Brandon. But, regardless of the two years we've been together. If he ever signed that form. His shit would be out front in less time it would take him to drive home from best buy in Annapolis. [ recruiters office is by best buy] ANYWAYS. I was letting it go. Until today. Hans texted Brandon at around 9 this morning asking if he was up. He didnt get up until 11. So, when he did wake up, he responded. Thats when he did it. Hans crossed the fucking very, very, very thin [ thinner than paper] line with me. He texted brandon that the sergent blah blah wanted him to come in today, so they could talk. Brandon I guess could see the anger flood my face. He told him no.


I don't like thinking, talking, hearing, texting, typing, dreaming, about this situation. It does something to me. Its like a touchy thing with me. But its not? Like, here. This is my best semi good attempt of what it does:


It makes me RIP, not tug, pull or pick at. It makes me literally RIP my eyebrows off little by little.

It makes me want to take this bottle of wine, go have me some blankets, a fully charged phone, flashlight, camera, and a beach chair and sit somewhere. And drink, and not think about it. BUT! I wont! Because I dont want to ignore my problems with alcohol hahahha

I think it scares me more, that I will lose Brandon from this. Than, the thought that I really would MELTDOWN if we went seperate ways just because of Hans and recruiters. aka phaggot salesmen.



On a brighter, positive, amazing to think about thought!

In 18 days, It will be two years since Brandon asked me out. :)
We fight alot, argue over shit, call each other names, say we hate each other, and the occasional gum in the hair. we love each other :)


Well. Hope you enjoyed wasting your time reading this. hahahaha
if not. fuck you. =] <3