hotels suck!

I HATE hotels. I hate not feeling relaxed. No matter what i do when im at a hotel, i never can actually RELAX. I miss brandon so much. He hasnt called me yet.. and its already 10.. i dont think I will get  a call. But im hoping. Moms already passed out. Im just sitting in this bed, laptop in hand [thank god for technology!] Texting everyone who will actually respond. And watching wilfred. Theres stuff i could do to keep me occupied. But im gonna save that for when I REALLY need to keep my mind off of the quietness and boringness of this room. Hotels are always the same. Ugly carpet. Oversized dresser holding a old ass tv. Little side table carrying the holy bible. Ancient telephone. Worlds most ugly and unappealing bed comforters that make you wonder if the people who designed them were blind.


Not matter how much i write in this blog, text people, call people, chat on fb. read. I fucking miss him so much dude. its not even funny.


i always feel my eyes watering up when i think about it too much.


bye.

I see this whole thing going down so fast..

That I'm not going to know what happened until its too late. Its just not going to work. I know what hes doing. And im starting to get the idea its coming from his mother. Who goes and lives with his girlfriends older sister who he barely know? He said its only going to be two months. I find that to be complete bullshit. Is it bad that I feel like hes trading me for a garage to put his car in? Yes. Do I feel like within a month its going to be complete and total bullshit and chaos that I flip shit and I call it quits? Yes.  Possibly a no? Am I completely hurt by this decision? Yes. Will I enjoy not having anyone to talk to on my late nights? No. Will I cry more? More than I think anyone will ever see or know about. Do I think about picking up everything and leaving everyone behind to be just a part of my past? Alot. Will my dad pick fights with me alot more once hes not here? Yes.


And the most important question:


Am I going to feel left behind, or alone to put me back in "that" state? More than Likely. But were going to try and not go that deep.

I feel like hes running from me. Whats next? Las Vegas? I want to think positive about everything. Like, well when we see each other we'll get all excited. But everytime I try to weigh my fucking positives against my negatives. Negatives always win.

-Like on those nights when his phones dead and he "didnt notice". The stress alone from these nights, will make me go into full on rage.

- He doesnt have enough gas to come over because hes paying rent or he bought this or that for his car.

- He doesnt feel like doing the drive.

- And here comes the best one. What happens when we NEVER do it anymore and he goes and finds it from someone else? Yes. Its possible. And some people may ask. Well why are you with him than.

I don't know what anyone can or will say to me. But Im going to be so bitter. Nights by myself. Which hasnt been that way in over 2 years. Days alone. No one to talk to or anything. I feel it in my bones starting to fire up. I refuse to get upset about this situation. Its not going to be "upset" its gonna skip upset. and go straight to fucking anger. And when that happens. Everyone needs to stay clear.

I just feel like its his way of walking away. Oh hey, im gonna up and leave you. And you dont have a car, so you cant try and follow me. I know everything I'm saying sounds crazy. But its the truth.

I dont understand why I always get this way. I  feel like its always targeted at me. Like hes trying to potentially hurt me. I feel like im being betrayed. And I'm freaking out man. And the worst part is, even when I feel like this. Im still nice to him. Even when hes being a jerk to me. I dont know. I think im just gonna pull that whole cover up thing. Like hang out with all my friends and never have time for him and make him realize what it feels like to feel forgotten.

Oh. wait.


one problem.

I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING FRIENDS.


I have "friends" but theres really no one I can really, really count on to always be there for me, or understand my situation.

There is no "going out" with friends. Im constantly accused of sleeping with all my friends from my father.

I always feel like crying when I think about how I dont have any friends anymore. But in reality. Everyone I use to think were my friends. really werent. They just all got along because we were always at the same parties.


I have the two nicoles, and thats it.

Between the both of them I tell them all everything. But theres always that piece missing. I think?

I dont know.


Fuck this.

Its one of those nights babe.

Someone save me.