And beauty.

LOVE. 

hotels suck!

I HATE hotels. I hate not feeling relaxed. No matter what i do when im at a hotel, i never can actually RELAX. I miss brandon so much. He hasnt called me yet.. and its already 10.. i dont think I will get  a call. But im hoping. Moms already passed out. Im just sitting in this bed, laptop in hand [thank god for technology!] Texting everyone who will actually respond. And watching wilfred. Theres stuff i could do to keep me occupied. But im gonna save that for when I REALLY need to keep my mind off of the quietness and boringness of this room. Hotels are always the same. Ugly carpet. Oversized dresser holding a old ass tv. Little side table carrying the holy bible. Ancient telephone. Worlds most ugly and unappealing bed comforters that make you wonder if the people who designed them were blind.


Not matter how much i write in this blog, text people, call people, chat on fb. read. I fucking miss him so much dude. its not even funny.


i always feel my eyes watering up when i think about it too much.


bye.

I see this whole thing going down so fast..

That I'm not going to know what happened until its too late. Its just not going to work. I know what hes doing. And im starting to get the idea its coming from his mother. Who goes and lives with his girlfriends older sister who he barely know? He said its only going to be two months. I find that to be complete bullshit. Is it bad that I feel like hes trading me for a garage to put his car in? Yes. Do I feel like within a month its going to be complete and total bullshit and chaos that I flip shit and I call it quits? Yes.  Possibly a no? Am I completely hurt by this decision? Yes. Will I enjoy not having anyone to talk to on my late nights? No. Will I cry more? More than I think anyone will ever see or know about. Do I think about picking up everything and leaving everyone behind to be just a part of my past? Alot. Will my dad pick fights with me alot more once hes not here? Yes.


And the most important question:


Am I going to feel left behind, or alone to put me back in "that" state? More than Likely. But were going to try and not go that deep.

I feel like hes running from me. Whats next? Las Vegas? I want to think positive about everything. Like, well when we see each other we'll get all excited. But everytime I try to weigh my fucking positives against my negatives. Negatives always win.

-Like on those nights when his phones dead and he "didnt notice". The stress alone from these nights, will make me go into full on rage.

- He doesnt have enough gas to come over because hes paying rent or he bought this or that for his car.

- He doesnt feel like doing the drive.

- And here comes the best one. What happens when we NEVER do it anymore and he goes and finds it from someone else? Yes. Its possible. And some people may ask. Well why are you with him than.

I don't know what anyone can or will say to me. But Im going to be so bitter. Nights by myself. Which hasnt been that way in over 2 years. Days alone. No one to talk to or anything. I feel it in my bones starting to fire up. I refuse to get upset about this situation. Its not going to be "upset" its gonna skip upset. and go straight to fucking anger. And when that happens. Everyone needs to stay clear.

I just feel like its his way of walking away. Oh hey, im gonna up and leave you. And you dont have a car, so you cant try and follow me. I know everything I'm saying sounds crazy. But its the truth.

I dont understand why I always get this way. I  feel like its always targeted at me. Like hes trying to potentially hurt me. I feel like im being betrayed. And I'm freaking out man. And the worst part is, even when I feel like this. Im still nice to him. Even when hes being a jerk to me. I dont know. I think im just gonna pull that whole cover up thing. Like hang out with all my friends and never have time for him and make him realize what it feels like to feel forgotten.

Oh. wait.


one problem.

I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING FRIENDS.


I have "friends" but theres really no one I can really, really count on to always be there for me, or understand my situation.

There is no "going out" with friends. Im constantly accused of sleeping with all my friends from my father.

I always feel like crying when I think about how I dont have any friends anymore. But in reality. Everyone I use to think were my friends. really werent. They just all got along because we were always at the same parties.


I have the two nicoles, and thats it.

Between the both of them I tell them all everything. But theres always that piece missing. I think?

I dont know.


Fuck this.

Its one of those nights babe.

Someone save me.

Sunday's at Tiffiany's By James Patterson

This book is amazing. It truly was a book I just couldn't put down. Sunday's at Tiffiany's became my favorite book I've read so far in my life. And thats actually saying alot. I've read tons of books over the years that I just fell in love with. But this one, this one tops ALL of them. I really do recommend it to young adult readers, or just readers who have a sense of creative and don't mind a little make believe fairy tale type sense. This book is based on a little girl named Jane, who is 9 at the time. She has an imaginary friend, michael. Micheal must leave all his children once they turn 9. They will soon forget him. Well, Jane does not. she remembers him because she just does. Years later, when Jane is in her early 30's Micheal sees her again walking down the street. Long story short, Jane sees michael at the restaurant they always went to when she was a kid. She says hello and is amazed that she is seeing her imaginary friend in real life! Micheal is amazed that Jane remembers him. Thats never happened with any  of his assignments.. I want to keep going but I don't want to ruin it for anyone!


This book has so many twists, but isnt confusing. It really is a book I did not put down until 3 am last night, and thats because I was forced due to a grouchy brandon.

I found out today on the internet that they made this book into a movie on lifetime. DO NOT WATCH THE MOVIE! ITS HORRIBLE! In the book Micheal is in his 20s when hes janes friend. in the movie he is a child. The whole movie is completely fucking wrong! its horrible... i was so disappointed...

is it bad

that i NOW realize that being friends with Sarah through highschool fucked me over completely?



yeah.


its a HORRIBLE realization.

I havent written in awhile, because nothing ever happens thats worth writing about

Which... doesnt mean theres anything BIG im going to write about today. I've making lotsa money lately. Selling stuff on Ebay and listing stuff for my dad. I clean alot, not that you can ever fucking tell. Me and my mom are back on good terms. Its more like, dont ask dont tell? I guess? ANYWAYS!



I'm writing today, because well.. My best friend, my sister, and my mom didnt answer their phones. So. This is longer, but its still venting. Which, I guess its not really something any of you will understand. My best friends dads in the Marines, so she just doesnt see where I'm coming from whatsoever. My sister has dated a guy in the military so, we know she doesnt have the same strange, but forced rule I have. [ No offense Jess!] no, seriously. Dont take that wrong. haha. And my mother, well. She was last resort. Not gonna lie.



  So, here it is...

I go by this, wait. I LIVE by this rule. Since I can remember? I know at least for 5 years I've been saying it. I've told every past boyfriend this rule. And trust me, Brandon knows this "rule" I DO NOT, AND WILL NEVER DATE A GUY IN THE MILITARY. I just wont. Dont take me wrong, im all for supporting the troops, and bringing home the soldiers. I will never marry a guy who is in, nor wants to join the military. Don't care if its army, navy or air force. Not happening. Some people think its selfish of me. Well. its just like someone saying " I wont date a guy with blonde hair" or " I wont date a guy who eats meat" Its just something on the imaginary list every girl has of what there looking for. Shit, I'm getting side tracked.

So, ugh. long story short Hans, use to be my best friend. Turned into cocky, spoiled brat. Stopped being friends. [ he dropped brandon as a friend also! THIS IS A KEY POINT. Anyways, he joined the marines. [ he will never admit it, but he was so fucking spoiled that he hated working. literally, bitched for hours to his mom that he didnt feel like he needed to work. So, he found out, Government pays you to workout and fly on a plane for a few hours and then GO STAND IN A FUCKING DESERT TO GET SHOT AT AND PLAY DODGEBALL WITH BULLETS. Needless to say, he joined. Being deployed in December. well, the Marines and other military people do PT. PT is Physical Training. Voluntary, workouts to get you in shape. blah blah blah. You can bring friends too. [ They tell them this, so the recruiters can get out there with them, and drill the friends who havent join about joining!] Well, Hans found out that when you bring a friend in to let a recruiter lecture them for an hour he gets an extra 1000 dollars at the end of the year added to his big ole check! So, He drags Brandon in there! No problem. Brandon doesnt want to join. Then, He invites brandon to PT with him. No problem. Its working out with friends. [ Brandon got approached by recruiters there also.] Everything was fine. I was a little edgy because I don't want to lose Brandon. But, regardless of the two years we've been together. If he ever signed that form. His shit would be out front in less time it would take him to drive home from best buy in Annapolis. [ recruiters office is by best buy] ANYWAYS. I was letting it go. Until today. Hans texted Brandon at around 9 this morning asking if he was up. He didnt get up until 11. So, when he did wake up, he responded. Thats when he did it. Hans crossed the fucking very, very, very thin [ thinner than paper] line with me. He texted brandon that the sergent blah blah wanted him to come in today, so they could talk. Brandon I guess could see the anger flood my face. He told him no.


I don't like thinking, talking, hearing, texting, typing, dreaming, about this situation. It does something to me. Its like a touchy thing with me. But its not? Like, here. This is my best semi good attempt of what it does:


It makes me RIP, not tug, pull or pick at. It makes me literally RIP my eyebrows off little by little.

It makes me want to take this bottle of wine, go have me some blankets, a fully charged phone, flashlight, camera, and a beach chair and sit somewhere. And drink, and not think about it. BUT! I wont! Because I dont want to ignore my problems with alcohol hahahha

I think it scares me more, that I will lose Brandon from this. Than, the thought that I really would MELTDOWN if we went seperate ways just because of Hans and recruiters. aka phaggot salesmen.



On a brighter, positive, amazing to think about thought!

In 18 days, It will be two years since Brandon asked me out. :)
We fight alot, argue over shit, call each other names, say we hate each other, and the occasional gum in the hair. we love each other :)


Well. Hope you enjoyed wasting your time reading this. hahahaha
if not. fuck you. =] <3

Its Easter.

yyaaayy.

My

My heart aches alot lately. Hows your doing? Good? Fuck you.


Someone save me from this.


I just want to shut down and not care anymore.


Everyone thinks this or that about me.

The most honest thing someones told me about myself, that I never realized...

Was 2 years ago. My mom said it when she was hammered at a summer party.


Her exact words were " Jordyn has a wall up, But deep down. Her heart is huge. And she is the most caring person you'll ever meet. You just have to be one of the lucky ones who gets to see over that wall. But when you do, its so..." and she trailed off towards George.


Can you tell how hammered she was?

Drunk words, speak a sober mind.

Everywhere I turn, its turns horrible for me. I need that to change.

beer and a friend

Lately, I've just been feeling like I want to just bang my head against a wall.. Or slam my hand in a door so I stop thinking about everything going on around me. I worry too much, I over think way too much. And honestly. I just want a fucking beer lately. I really just want to get a fucking 30 pack and just have it on hand for days like this. I wish I had a friend I could just call up and tell them about my shitty day and they listen and when its time for them to give me advice. Just be like "im bringing you a beer" and actually do it. Im not saying I'm gonna drink when I have problems. It would just be nice to have a beer or something every now and then. Me and Brandon had a bad day yesterday. But, everything was fixed by midnight. Then, today we were planning to go see a movie to get out of the house on a rainy day. Then, his friends wanted him to go to dinner, so we went. WORST FUCKING IDEA EVER. I literally, literally, so severely refraining myself from not taking my plate and slamming against this bitches fucking head. We had a surprise guest come to dinner with us! A girl Brandon was "just friends with" yeah... right. Thats a whole other story. Well, anyways. I don't like the dumb bitch. and she came to dinner. If that wasnt bad enough. Our movie started at 730. So, we had to leave the restaurant by about 720. Well, every minute past 720 sitting in the restaurant was torture. Seriously. Anyways, didnt get to leave the restaurant until 732! Didnt get to the theater until 739. I forgot to wear boots when I left and wore my soft bottom boots. So, my feet were soaking. Like, I should of just worn socks out. Didnt see the movie. Had to sit for an hour and a half with a dumb bitch. Who was whispering with her stupid friends the whole time.



Bad day . I hate everyone.

Too lazy too type how I feel. So, take the goddamn pictures and enjoy! :)

I'm gonna need a fucking tattoo artist to shave my eyebrows and tattoo some on. Everyday it gets worse. And today especially. In case you were left out of any part. I'm just going to fill everyone in. She blew me off on Saturday night. 4th time I think? she had blown me off. In a week! So, Sunday night I called her. I mentioned maybe doing it that night. She gave me another excuse. Then I said the Next night? [ Which would be Monday] She gave me this bullshit answer about how "Her back hurt sooo much. She wasn't getting out of bed." and how "George had texted her saying, he wanted her to get EVERYTHING out." she panicked. So, she blew me off again. I caught her lying about how " she hadn't seen or talked to Joey in almost a week" When me and my older sister Jaime had driven by his house earlier that day. To see her car. where? Sitting in front of his house. She lied. Go figure. Anyways. Got on Facebook today to see her status about how she had spent the day with her "love". Now considering the facebook that I'm friends with. Is the "George Relationship" one. She was talking about George. Another lie. So, I went off. I'm tired of her lies. Ending result was blocking all THREE of her facebooks. And deleting her from my life for good now. It sucks because, I was really hoping that the dinner go well, and we would be fine. Yard sale season is coming really soon. I've been excited for yard sales since about December. I love finding my cheap giraffe stuff at yard sales. That won't be happening this year. Up until I can drive. I was going to ask Jaime if she just wanted to do it. But shes unreliable with getting up and she already said Saturdays are her and Nick's days. So, I guess it'll have to wait until Next year when I'm driving. Still gonna suck doing it alone. Everyone's going to be doing Christmases and parties at Georges. Which I won't be attending.

On A Happier Note :)




Last night, Me, my best friend Nicole, Brandon and Jake and Hans went to Bill Bateman's Restaurant. It was all you can eat wings. I paid for Brandon, Me, and my friend Nicole. It was fun. Brandon ate 36 wings!! Oh, and awkward moment! The waiter was taking FOREVER to get my drink. And I was eating like really really dry wings and I was like "Where the hell is my drink mannn" as the waiter was reaching his arm past me with my drink! He was right behind me!!!!! I was like OHMYGOD! And the WHOLE table just burst into laughter! I felt sooo bad! But, when I was outside smoking a cig, I saw the girl that was doing our table before he did and I told her what happened and she bursted into laughter. She thought it was funny. Then we went back to Jakes new house and chilled on his pier for a little while. Then we all left. It was a good day..




So, I want to learn how to sew. I'm thinking my first project will be a white tank top with a bunch of giraffe patches I'm going to slowly buy and stack up from Ebay over time. Then stitch them all over the shirt. I'd love that!

Anyways.



LOL!

 Well. I'm writing tonight, considering I'm really freaking nervous to go to this dinner on Wednesday with my mom. I honestly think I'll either catch her in a lie, and freak out. Or, she'll say or do something that makes me freak out. But, I'm going to head into the situation with a calm, I don't give a fuck attitude. More like, I'm going to explain that this dinner is her last and only chance for me. She's either going to lie to me and I catch her. Or, she gets where I'm coming from. And in worse case scenario she lies, I don't realize it. And I later catch her. Then, then it will be like a tornado crashing down on Joey's house. I have so much anger built up with her. I think, now I'm old enough to actually notice the things that tell me she is doing shit. Like, her freaking out about getting her pills from Georges. And yelling at me for not grabbing them. [ later on saying "Joeys going to be so pissed"] So, shes doing the pill thing. Then, the burn in her car being from a crack pipe. So, am I suppose to believe shes not doing it with him? She lost a ton of weight. Enough for Jaime to even notice while Moms sitting in her car and Jaime's in the window. Moms excuse? " Ive been stressed out. I don't eat alot when I'm stressed" I believe the stressed part. It must be stressful jumping between multiple guys. Anyways, I literally have RUINED my right eyebrow. It's done. I need to really focus on not fucking with it. And let it grow back. It's embarrassing. Especially with it on my face. OOOHHHH! So! Found something that somewhat kinda keeps a little bit of the picking down! Giraffe pin. I fuck with it instead of my eyebrow sometimes. Not all the time. But a good amount of the time. I was really happy when I realized it. :)
 The fact that when I call her, she doesn't answer but about 2 minutes go by and she calls back and its all quiet in the background. Somethings up. Anyways, I'm going to be having about 3 different people talking to me throughout the dinner to keep me calm if it gets ugly. I don't want to explode like I did on the phone with her that one day. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of upsetting me. I'd rather have that " I don't really give a fuck attitude". But for all I know it could go perfectly fine.


 Jarrod: The way my mom is with him drives me crazy. Me and him don't get along too much but I'm still his older sister. And she treats him like he's nothing until after so many months he stands their until she talks to him. It's not like she hates him. But, she gives Stephen more attention than she does Jarrod. And Jarrod's never been in jail, stolen or done drugs. So, wtf? I mean he gets plenty of attention from my dad. But I don't know if that's always such a good thing. My dad talks down about women all of the time. That's all Jarrod ever hears. And he shouldn't grow up thinking that's right, or to be angry at the world. Anyways. Mom swung by dads the other day. And I told Jarrod to stay inside because I needed to talk to  mom. And he was like "No, i need to talk to her too" so he came out. And what's she do? Questions his grades and then he goes "notice anything different?" Nope. Of course she didn't! He got a haircut that day. Its bad when you don't even notice your kid got a haircut. Anyways, she pissed me off about what we were talking about. AND she lied and I caught her. And Then I was like c'mon Jarrod, you'll see her in another 5 months. [ I was joking about the time] and when we came inside, dad asked him if he got to talk to her... His response? " yeah, she didn't notice my haircut though.. Its been like 6 months since Ive seen her.. other than Christmas" and he went and hibernated in his room. You can tell he wants to talk to her more. But she couldn't stick around she had  "plans" for the night.

Pictures!

Well, not much has been going on lately. Nothing too exciting to really blog about.. My mom pulled another "mother of the year" move today. Shes back to talking to Joey. It really makes me angry. It makes me want to just mail him a card saying " Make sure you stop using those cheap lighters for your crackpipe, you really fucked her car up last time". I told her to not even call me about dinner next week if shes still talking to him. I'm so sick of her choosing him. It drives me up the wall. Annnnyyywaaayyys. So, on Fb last night, talking to Jake. And BAM! My older sisters ex boyfriend pops up on chat. Me and Brandon got along with him. So, it was nothing to worry about. And than I realized he was probably drunk as hell being up at 3 am. Anyways, the convo pretty much went like this:
        
Sisters X: Hey what are you doing
Me: eating, about to go to sleep. you?
sisters x: blahblahblahblah i love your sister still
Me: cant help you
sisters x: i think your hotter than her, let me take you out!
 Me: thanks, but no thanks.
 Him: fine. whatever!


Like what the fuck creeper! Your like 27!   I swear, I must attract creepers or something. Anyways. Va beach this weekend for Babygirl Sammi's 1st Birthday! Heres a picture of the little cutie patootie!

So, I'm bored. Here are the interesting pictures of the blog today. Just some randoms.

 What the hell is she doing with that baby in her mouth??? ^

                                        This was just cute.. ^

I think alot of people cheered this baby on.. I hate Hiliary Clinton too.

                                                    ^      I really love this quote. <3

 I really honestly feel like this is me. Like this person took my thoughts out of my head and wrote it down. ^

                           I think everyone feels this way at some point in their life, for some reason.

                

                               This one was taken straight out of my head too.. <3

Who wants to help me learn how to make these bitches??

Goals and Cuddles

I never can go to sleep at the same time as Brandon. I really think in the back of my head its just another thing to add to the list of things that could be depressing me. We always have our talks, cuddle time and movie time before we go to bed. And lately, thats not been happening. So, its slowly upsetting me. And another thing, my dad has made a comment recently that "my metabolism is slowing down". Okay people! I get it. Im working on it. Im gonna start doing yoga again, and then when I get all stretched out, I'm going to do my workouts. Its almost bathing suit season time anyways!

Me and Brandon are going to go check out a car this afternoon. Possibly a car for who? Me!! yay! Just kidding, Im nervous as fuck to drive still. I really need to see a doctor about the possibility of ADHD/ADD. I scare myself driving enough as it is with the whole "trying to stay focused so much it fucks me up" the last thing I need in my life is for me to fail the test to find out afterwards, you DO have ADD/ADHD! But, from what I'm hearing about this car I think I'm going to love it!

I still haven't talked to my mom. Its been 8 days today. She hasn't tried to contact me and vice versa. If it does come down to me having to see a doctor, I will have to contact her. And if she really isn't planning on going to Sammi's first Birthday I have to contact her. Just because were in a fight, doesn't mean she should miss her granddaughters first birthday. Plus, I can go if she goes since she'll be driving and not staying the weekend.

I've been meaning to start working for my dad so I can save up some much needed money.. I need money for school, gas, the rims I want for this car, tanning, the Ocean day me and Brandon are going to take AND I plan to pay my dad back for this car. I don't want to be one of those kids that their parents just handed the car over to them. So, my total so far?

School: $8,000. butttt for the 4 years, its 32000 [ If I decide to go to Lincoln then, I won't have to pay them back for 3 years]
Gas: thats just an all around thing.
Rims: Not sure, but the spray paint is gonna cost around 30 bucks.
Tanning: 3 sessions: about 20 .
Ocean City Goal: 100.
Car: 500.

So, Not including school. Were already at 650. What I have so far? $0.00
Thats 130 listings. Which honestly, when I look at it that way. It doesn't seem so bad. I can do it though. Plus! When I start driving, JOB TIMMMEEE!

Anyways, Brandon might be buying another car. I really look up to him. He owns 4 cars, pays his insurance, pays his rent, pays for me. And I think its hard to pay for one thing like a 500 dollar car. He really is amazing. <3

I love him so much.

My sister Jesi has Inspired me tonight, to do a positive blog! :)

I need positivity in my life. :) and I'm most definitely ready for some!


I found some pictures I either find interesting, inspirational, funny or just something I like. Enjoy :)

            
  Some might find this next one "inappropriate" but, i find it funny. :)

This one, Just reminds me of someone. lol

this is just beautiful

Well! That concludes the pictures for now! well.. the funny, inspirational ones at least!!


Here's the "GOOD" look at my past weekend. Spent some family time with Nicole, Jaime, her boyfriend Nick, Brandon and my brother Justin .


            yeah.. thats me.. And my sister Jaime and her boyfriend making out. hahah

                           This is Me, my sister Nicole, Jaime's boyfriend and Jaime!  ^^^


Well. Off to bed I go now! My stress headache seriously is gone after talking to my sister Jessi about everything and her understanding. :)