Well. I'm writing tonight, considering I'm really freaking nervous to go to this dinner on Wednesday with my mom. I honestly think I'll either catch her in a lie, and freak out. Or, she'll say or do something that makes me freak out. But, I'm going to head into the situation with a calm, I don't give a fuck attitude. More like, I'm going to explain that this dinner is her last and only chance for me. She's either going to lie to me and I catch her. Or, she gets where I'm coming from. And in worse case scenario she lies, I don't realize it. And I later catch her. Then, then it will be like a tornado crashing down on Joey's house. I have so much anger built up with her. I think, now I'm old enough to actually notice the things that tell me she is doing shit. Like, her freaking out about getting her pills from Georges. And yelling at me for not grabbing them. [ later on saying "Joeys going to be so pissed"] So, shes doing the pill thing. Then, the burn in her car being from a crack pipe. So, am I suppose to believe shes not doing it with him? She lost a ton of weight. Enough for Jaime to even notice while Moms sitting in her car and Jaime's in the window. Moms excuse? " Ive been stressed out. I don't eat alot when I'm stressed" I believe the stressed part. It must be stressful jumping between multiple guys. Anyways, I literally have RUINED my right eyebrow. It's done. I need to really focus on not fucking with it. And let it grow back. It's embarrassing. Especially with it on my face. OOOHHHH! So! Found something that somewhat kinda keeps a little bit of the picking down! Giraffe pin. I fuck with it instead of my eyebrow sometimes. Not all the time. But a good amount of the time. I was really happy when I realized it. :)
 The fact that when I call her, she doesn't answer but about 2 minutes go by and she calls back and its all quiet in the background. Somethings up. Anyways, I'm going to be having about 3 different people talking to me throughout the dinner to keep me calm if it gets ugly. I don't want to explode like I did on the phone with her that one day. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of upsetting me. I'd rather have that " I don't really give a fuck attitude". But for all I know it could go perfectly fine.


 Jarrod: The way my mom is with him drives me crazy. Me and him don't get along too much but I'm still his older sister. And she treats him like he's nothing until after so many months he stands their until she talks to him. It's not like she hates him. But, she gives Stephen more attention than she does Jarrod. And Jarrod's never been in jail, stolen or done drugs. So, wtf? I mean he gets plenty of attention from my dad. But I don't know if that's always such a good thing. My dad talks down about women all of the time. That's all Jarrod ever hears. And he shouldn't grow up thinking that's right, or to be angry at the world. Anyways. Mom swung by dads the other day. And I told Jarrod to stay inside because I needed to talk to  mom. And he was like "No, i need to talk to her too" so he came out. And what's she do? Questions his grades and then he goes "notice anything different?" Nope. Of course she didn't! He got a haircut that day. Its bad when you don't even notice your kid got a haircut. Anyways, she pissed me off about what we were talking about. AND she lied and I caught her. And Then I was like c'mon Jarrod, you'll see her in another 5 months. [ I was joking about the time] and when we came inside, dad asked him if he got to talk to her... His response? " yeah, she didn't notice my haircut though.. Its been like 6 months since Ive seen her.. other than Christmas" and he went and hibernated in his room. You can tell he wants to talk to her more. But she couldn't stick around she had  "plans" for the night.

Pictures!

Well, not much has been going on lately. Nothing too exciting to really blog about.. My mom pulled another "mother of the year" move today. Shes back to talking to Joey. It really makes me angry. It makes me want to just mail him a card saying " Make sure you stop using those cheap lighters for your crackpipe, you really fucked her car up last time". I told her to not even call me about dinner next week if shes still talking to him. I'm so sick of her choosing him. It drives me up the wall. Annnnyyywaaayyys. So, on Fb last night, talking to Jake. And BAM! My older sisters ex boyfriend pops up on chat. Me and Brandon got along with him. So, it was nothing to worry about. And than I realized he was probably drunk as hell being up at 3 am. Anyways, the convo pretty much went like this:
        
Sisters X: Hey what are you doing
Me: eating, about to go to sleep. you?
sisters x: blahblahblahblah i love your sister still
Me: cant help you
sisters x: i think your hotter than her, let me take you out!
 Me: thanks, but no thanks.
 Him: fine. whatever!


Like what the fuck creeper! Your like 27!   I swear, I must attract creepers or something. Anyways. Va beach this weekend for Babygirl Sammi's 1st Birthday! Heres a picture of the little cutie patootie!

So, I'm bored. Here are the interesting pictures of the blog today. Just some randoms.

 What the hell is she doing with that baby in her mouth??? ^

                                        This was just cute.. ^

I think alot of people cheered this baby on.. I hate Hiliary Clinton too.

                                                    ^      I really love this quote. <3

 I really honestly feel like this is me. Like this person took my thoughts out of my head and wrote it down. ^

                           I think everyone feels this way at some point in their life, for some reason.

                

                               This one was taken straight out of my head too.. <3

Who wants to help me learn how to make these bitches??

Goals and Cuddles

I never can go to sleep at the same time as Brandon. I really think in the back of my head its just another thing to add to the list of things that could be depressing me. We always have our talks, cuddle time and movie time before we go to bed. And lately, thats not been happening. So, its slowly upsetting me. And another thing, my dad has made a comment recently that "my metabolism is slowing down". Okay people! I get it. Im working on it. Im gonna start doing yoga again, and then when I get all stretched out, I'm going to do my workouts. Its almost bathing suit season time anyways!

Me and Brandon are going to go check out a car this afternoon. Possibly a car for who? Me!! yay! Just kidding, Im nervous as fuck to drive still. I really need to see a doctor about the possibility of ADHD/ADD. I scare myself driving enough as it is with the whole "trying to stay focused so much it fucks me up" the last thing I need in my life is for me to fail the test to find out afterwards, you DO have ADD/ADHD! But, from what I'm hearing about this car I think I'm going to love it!

I still haven't talked to my mom. Its been 8 days today. She hasn't tried to contact me and vice versa. If it does come down to me having to see a doctor, I will have to contact her. And if she really isn't planning on going to Sammi's first Birthday I have to contact her. Just because were in a fight, doesn't mean she should miss her granddaughters first birthday. Plus, I can go if she goes since she'll be driving and not staying the weekend.

I've been meaning to start working for my dad so I can save up some much needed money.. I need money for school, gas, the rims I want for this car, tanning, the Ocean day me and Brandon are going to take AND I plan to pay my dad back for this car. I don't want to be one of those kids that their parents just handed the car over to them. So, my total so far?

School: $8,000. butttt for the 4 years, its 32000 [ If I decide to go to Lincoln then, I won't have to pay them back for 3 years]
Gas: thats just an all around thing.
Rims: Not sure, but the spray paint is gonna cost around 30 bucks.
Tanning: 3 sessions: about 20 .
Ocean City Goal: 100.
Car: 500.

So, Not including school. Were already at 650. What I have so far? $0.00
Thats 130 listings. Which honestly, when I look at it that way. It doesn't seem so bad. I can do it though. Plus! When I start driving, JOB TIMMMEEE!

Anyways, Brandon might be buying another car. I really look up to him. He owns 4 cars, pays his insurance, pays his rent, pays for me. And I think its hard to pay for one thing like a 500 dollar car. He really is amazing. <3

I love him so much.

My sister Jesi has Inspired me tonight, to do a positive blog! :)

I need positivity in my life. :) and I'm most definitely ready for some!


I found some pictures I either find interesting, inspirational, funny or just something I like. Enjoy :)

            
  Some might find this next one "inappropriate" but, i find it funny. :)

This one, Just reminds me of someone. lol

this is just beautiful

Well! That concludes the pictures for now! well.. the funny, inspirational ones at least!!


Here's the "GOOD" look at my past weekend. Spent some family time with Nicole, Jaime, her boyfriend Nick, Brandon and my brother Justin .


            yeah.. thats me.. And my sister Jaime and her boyfriend making out. hahah

                           This is Me, my sister Nicole, Jaime's boyfriend and Jaime!  ^^^


Well. Off to bed I go now! My stress headache seriously is gone after talking to my sister Jessi about everything and her understanding. :)

Suddenly I see!

I had a bad day. Yesterday, I mean. Everyone has bad days. I'm just going through today just breathing. Nothing is going to bother me. I won't let it. Brandon has been the best lately. Other than a little bit last night, because he forgot his money. He's been amazing. Even with me dealing with everything.

On a positive note. I made a new friend! I need friends. I have two friends. Nicole A. and My sister Nicole. Between them both. They know everything about me. I just feel retarded when something happens and both are busy or something. Anyways, back to what I was saying. I was friends with this kid Matt but he was an asshole when he moved into his dads. But he had already introduced my to a bunch of people on the island. [ some I already knew from the car meets] So, I made new friends anyways. Well, the other night he facebook chatted me and it was the night me and my mom got into a fight. And I told him about it. And apparently the same thing literally happened to him with his dad! So, now I update him on the whole "Mom" thing. Its nice to talk to someone thats been through that exact experience.


 So, I still keep an update on my moms facebook. She doesn't seem to really care about whats going. Why? Because in her eyes "she did nothing wrong". I was the one being the "negative influence on her living situation". I think the only reason I'm still so hurt from everything is because I went out of my way to worry about her and show her concern and she pretty much kicked me in the face [ that's what it felt like]. She chose. Except when she did, she made me think she chose me. For an hour to go by and realize No. She didn't. She was choosing him. In every way. I really wish I could just pay someone to go fuck his shit up ;)


Soon enough young one.


I keep having this dream. [ Ive had it twice in a row now..] Where everyone lives together. Like the people I live with but its a different house. And an earthquake hits and I grab Jarrod while hes sleeping, grab Nick and Jaime. And I'm telling them to get under the table. But then I turn to go get Brandon and Dad. [ Who in my dream are working on cars outside] and as I turn around I see Brandon running towards the door with dad. And I look up through the window to see what their looking at. And its like a tidal wave that's huge. I mean like could be knocking down planes out of the sky. So, I know I need to get them inside.. But were all going to die anyways. So, I get them upstairs in the room. And hiding in the table with us. And everyone's crying. But I can't do anything but watch the window. [ I wasn't under the table.] And as I gets closer. Binx and kitten come in the room and go to Jaime. And then BAM. As it comes crashing down. I wake up. As you can see, I really don't like that dream.

today... Its super duper nice outside!!!! Yayyyy!!!


Too bad I'm going to be sitting inside most of the day. Oh, wait. Just informed that it's suppose to rain this afternoon =[ well, that sucks. IM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF ALWAYS SITTING IN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE. We NEVER do anything! He has all this money, but we can't ever go out for the night. 

I need nicoles help!

where is the moment when needed the most?

I'm exhausted. I'm no longer tired. I'm exhausted. I'm at my breaking point. I'm tired of her stomping, not walking, but stomping on my feelings. I don't exist. I only exist in her world when it's convenient. I can keep putting this wall up, and using all of my strength to keep it up, but like I said. I am exhausted. Why do I try so hard to place myself in her world? I don't know. You can ask me over and over. I will always say I don't know. Because I honestly don't. If your reading this blog, you already know. I use my anger to show you when my feelings are hurt. I hate crying. I'd rather be red in the face with anger, then tears in my eyes. Talking to everyone makes me feel better. And I'm sorry if your one of the people I talk to when I'm angry, but as soon as I hang up, or walk out of the room, I'm a mess. You can tell me how I wasn't wrong with what I did, you can tell me I was doing the right thing. It doesn't matter. I'll always be the one, who I now realize.. Should of never shown my concern. And I made myself look like an idiot for showing it. It's kinda like my feelings just had someone to run them over. I let people hurt my feelings too easily. Its the weirdest thing though. As easily as my feelings get hurt, you can almost get me to feel better just as quickly. my friend told me this tonight over facebook " it is their responsibility to be our parent, not our responsibility to be their child." When I look at my mom, I feel like she has spent her entire life, wanting, needing someone to help her. Show her how living a normal life is suppose to be. Lets face it. She didn't have the greatest life growing up. I feel like that person has to be me. Is that weird? I love my mom. She just, she puts me so far down on her priorities list that it kills me. It makes me want to curl up in a ball sometimes and just cry. This guy should not be before me. In ANY way. 




Well, Ive about picked my entire eyebrow off. So much for that " 2 weeks without anxiety picking! yay!" 


fuckers.

Duchess of Boredom

I don't know if anyone has seen the movie "Duchess" Keira Knightley plays the Duchess. Its based on a true story about Georgiana duchess of Devonshire. That movie either makes me want to cry every time I watch it, or it does make me cry when I watch it depending on what time of the month it is. [ haha!] She can't birth a son, and the Duke is demanding one. She falls in love, births a daughter to the love of her life. Forced by the Duke she is to give up the child. The Duke throughout their marriage has countless affairs. There is a ton more to the movie. But it's a great movie. And very sad. Lots of sex.. about a minute of girl on girl touching. So.. Kids shouldn't be allowed to see or hear the movie playing. Haven't seen it yet? Go to Blockbuster. Or whatever the latest movie renting place is. I don't think red box does old movies? Its about 2 or 3 years old? I'm not 100 percent sure.

Anyways.. that's what my day consisted of. Movies, Taking pictures, hunting down food, spraying febreze and lighting a scented candle to make it smell nice in the house. It really does make the house seem cleaner without having to do anything.. ;)   even though I'm gonna end up vacuuming as I always do so..


And a few hours later..


I'm sitting on the computer at 1:11 in the morning, listening to Brandon and my older brother talk over xbox. Just blogging away. I hate finding blogs about adoptions and the struggles all these woman are having with pregnancy, and about all that. I get paranoid that when I get older that will be me :(  Don't get me wrong, I don't want kids anytime soon, but I do want them eventually. I think every girl thinks about that at some point in their life? No? Maybe its just me? haha . I'm so weird. Anyways, I hate when I get on Facebook, just lounging around watching videos and stuff and BING . Facebook chat with someone I completely don't want to talk to. Its always friends from school, who I have nothing in common with anymore. They always brag about how their high or drunk at the moment. Really? Your typing correctly.. so you must not be drunk. Your high? Well, I really don't care and don't care too much to talk to you. Goodbye..


I need to get rid of all of my clothes. They are everywhere! The closet in the living room has some of my shirts, the closet in my bedroom the poor rack looks like it will break any second and then the trunk... Ohhhh... my poor, poor trunk of clothes. Literally, and I mean literally! busting at the sides so full of clothes! I try giving them away if they don't fit or if  I know I'll never wear them. But some clothes, I just love. Even if they don't fit, or they don't fit and I hope to fit into them again after I lose this "Freshmen 15" ahahha. And the worst excuse I have for them right now? " But, what if I grow into liking this, I mean I did at some point.. maybe again?" Its terrible. But I really do love ALL of my clothes. I have a pair of black heels that I'm completely in love with.. But, I never go anywhere appropriate to wear them. Everytime we've gone to dinner.. its raining and I don't want to mess them up. 


Completely different subject. But this post is being written over the course of a few days.. :)

I love my family. I really do. I just constantly 100 percent ALWAYS feel like I am under a magnifying glass! My brother John talks so much shit about EVERYONE in the family. But hes a heavy drinker and just all around an asshole. He once went to the MVA and yelled at a lady and my dad took him back and got the same lady! She mentioned to dad that his son wasnt " the nicest person" and dad agreed and made John apologize. Hes 26 years old! Then theirs my mom, who lets face it. She can't decide whether she wants to make fun of me for being thin, or wants to laugh because I gained weight. Or, trying to help me lie for her, or uses me without me knowing in one of her lies, wants to complain that this guy is all wrong for her and says hurtful things to her, but when I try to say something to them, she flips out on ME. Then my dad who is the worst about it than anyone else.. He constantly reminds me of things I've done that I guess is a "disappointment" in his eyes? Hes always got his infamous comments! "Smoking is stupid" " Drugs are horrible" " Your just like your mother" " Why don't you go back to school" . Smoking IS stupid, but so is speeding. [ which hes good at.] Drugs ARE horrible! But back in the day, he was the biggest drug abuser the whole family knew apparently. I am like my mother, why? Because shes my um.. what? MOTHER. Don't tell me I'm this horrible stupid person for dropping out, But a few months after I do, you suggest I get tested for ADD/ADHD. [ He was serious] A little late aren't we? I just hate feeling like Jaime is perfect. Jarrod does no wrong. But, it pushes me to better myself just so in the end I can be like fuck you. I look at their "disappointments" as my learnings. :) 

Those random, really, really loud planes. Its about 2:35 in the morning here now.. And I just heard one go over the house. It definitely was NOT an airline airplane. A few weeks ago, I was outside smoking and 3 fighter jets came flying over the house. Number one, I don't like that. It makes me paranoid that something is happening and the government is keeping it to themselves because they don't want a panic. It scares the hell out of me. So, of course I was on the other side of the house when I heard this plane go over the house, and I immediately stopped what I was doing and RAN to the bedroom freaking out. If you ever ask Brandon, I will tear up sometimes just talking about 2012. I think it is the movies that did it for me. I mean, I really, really believe something is going to happen and wipe out half the population. I'm a nervous wreck just writing about it right now. New subject...


Charlie Sheen: I love him as an actor. In fact, he's always kinda been one of my favorites. And lately he's been going " downhill" or becoming " crazy and drug addicted". I don't think so. I think he's tried of people screwing him over, and people not paying him for things he should get paid for. And yeah, 98 percent of all famous people. Do drugs! Even the "good" ones. Miley Cyrus couldn't even clear her bong! But she still had her mouth on it, inhaling it. I love his new Ustream. It's him FINALLY being able to NOT act. NOT try to be some fake person in the "peoples" eyes. He just wants to be him! And if he likes hookers, strippers, prostitutes. Whatever! Hes not cheating. He's not tiger woods. [ I think I just realized his nickname for "tigerblood" though.. ahaha!] If they give you the company you like. Do it! You have the money. I think he needs a REAL friend. Not someone who's being paid to be nice to him so they don't lose their job. 
Just a little thought. <3


Anyways, I'm done my rant. Here's a little positivity. =)
It is almost Spring flowers time!

I found these little suckers growing in my front yard today! Soooo excited!

"Don't kill Mocking Birds. For they do nothing but sing their hearts out for us"

"Time doesnt wait, get moving"


Happy Birthday to my oldest brother Jason. <3

I miss you more and more every year.


Rest In Peace.

Nowhere to call "Mine"

I'm so sick and tired of NEVER feeling like I dont have a room anywhere! Every time I turn around I'm moving my stuff or trying to reason with my dad to give me my own room! He won't give me my own room, Not because of lack of space or age. He just doesnt want to deal with it, so it seems. I dont have the whole bottom of the closet due to boxes of my dads stuff in them. All his car stuff is EVERYWHERE!! 

My room at my mom's boyfriends house got emptied today. I took practically everything that would fit inside her car. I took pictures before I took it out, Reason being my dad wanted to make sure the guy tried to say I couldn't take it and we may have to take him to court. Another reason, my own personal reason. That was the prettiest room I ever had. I loved it. I did black and white and giraffes. I didn't get to take as many pictures as I would of liked.. But I'm happy with what I got, I suppose.

This is the small mini black couch I have. I didn't get to take it today. But I love it. In the picture its covered in Giraffes. and My mom's DVD pile is blocking the front of it.. But I love that couch. And I took all the giraffes of course <3

I didn't take the pictures today either since I can't hang pictures at my dads and I don't want them rotting in the outside back room. But, I will get them soon hopefully..

I got to take my comforter and pillows!! My camera bag and other stuff is on it but I think it looks really pretty with the sun coming in.. and it was raining all day!

My messy, messy, messy table. I didn't get to take my bar stools, or the table.. But the tables my moms boyfriends'.. soo I guess next time the chairs are mine and won't be used to furnish my moms new boyfriends house!

I didn't get my stereo or the subs. I think I'm just going to sell the subs and put it towards my college classes. 
[ Sorry for the messy dresser behind it! I was in a rush. But, I don't get to take the dresser either...]

BUT ON POSITIVE NOTE!!!!!!


 My giraffe now have a home at my papas. There in the corner of the room. But still looking cute as hell.



                                           Close up [ My niece Ashleigh put the scarf and sunglasses on the big guy]

                                      

                                                   The small plastic ones on the window sill

             
                                                     In this picture, you can see the giraffe poster I made :)

  

 

Facebook the new Hatebook. :)

So, Today I went and helped my mom clean out her storage unit. A little ways into it.. and her new boyfriend shows up! I dont like this guy. Whatsoever. Hes the one who accused me of vandalizing his car! Anyways long story short, I said I was going outside to smoke a cigarette and call my sister Nicole.. And as I start walking away he yells " Jordyn!" And as i turn around he hands me a folded up piece of paper. My first thought on it was " its probably a note apologizing for the accusing of Jordyn thing" But when I open it, It reads " Its really amazing a kid your age sacrifices their Saturday to help there mom! Thanks! With a 20 dollar bill inside. Is this guy really trying to buy his way into me liking him? No gonna happen dude. So after a phone call with My sister on what I should do.. like give it back and say no thanks.. or give it back and let him know he cant buy me? Or keep it and say thanks? I called my dad after I got off the phone with my sister. and he said to keep it and to just be careful because I dont know him and he could be a pedophile. [ hes a little protective ] So, I ended up keeping it and just going back to helping my mom..



Mcdonalds:

So, after the storage unit was finished off.. me and mom stopped by Mcdonalds. I ran in to grab hot chocolate and my food..and as I'm standing there waiting for the kid to give me my hot chocolate he starts asking me random questions like " So, hows your day so far?" and I was just being nice but short with him.. and just trying to get home. and by the time he FINALLY handed me my damn hot chocolate he had already told me what highschool he went to [ he seemed a little over proud that he was a senior lol!] and that he was going to florida in August for college and majoring in video game something.. Thankfully the nice other worker handed me the hot chocolate as the kid had to take someones order so I said a polite thanks to the man who handed me the drink and walked out.. I wasnt mean but I wasnt really trying to socialize with the kid..


 After Mcdonalds and onto Movie time with Mother..

 We went to this guys house to watch a movie. I was told he wouldnt be there. So, I agreed and went. He showed . Go figure. He talked on his cell, to my mom, to himself through all the movie practically... Very frustrating..


When I get home after a long day of unloading and reloading boxes...

To get on Facebook and discover that my boyfriends mom has pretty much indirectly tried to hint to him.. that Im no good, and listed other girls that could be potentially better than me! Oh how I'd hate to ever have kids with him. Or marry him. It'd be like battle of who can be the bitchiest.